


Surprise Me

by ras_elased



Category: SGA - Fandom
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-11-30
Updated: 2006-11-30
Packaged: 2017-10-11 13:27:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/112903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ras_elased/pseuds/ras_elased
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"It's official! You are a suicidal <em>idiot</em>!" Post-Progeny and TRW, McShep</p>
            </blockquote>





	Surprise Me

  
  
  
  
  


**Entry tags:**

| 

  
[fic: surprise me](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/fic%3A%20surprise%20me), [genre: drama](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/genre%3A%20drama), [genre: post-ep](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/genre%3A%20post-ep), [genre: romance](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/genre%3A%20romance), [pairing: mcshep](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/pairing%3A%20mcshep), [rating: pg](http://ras-fic.livejournal.com/tag/rating%3A%20pg)  
  
  
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**Surprise Me**   
_

Title: Surprise Me

Author: Ras Elased

Spoilers: Progeny and The Real World

Summary: "It's official! You are a suicidal _idiot_!" Post-Progeny and TRW, McShep

Rating: PG-ish

Words: ~3900

Disclaimer: I don't own Stargate, from which I have borrowed the characters, setting, and some dialogue. I also don't own Dawson's Creek or the Mardi Gras reference, which was blatantly stolen from another fic. I don't own MIT, Clerks, or The Matrix, either. I'm just writing for entertainment, no profit and no infringement intended.

A/N and further disclaimers: I've used a lot of dialogue from Progeny, and I also changed up the John/Rodney bits a little through their actions in the episode, but only a little. To whoever first wrote about John's "experience" at Mardi Gras (via Dawson's Creek, of all things), I have forgotten who you are, but I _absolutely love you_, and I've blatantly stolen the Mardi Gras reference for this fic, so if you tell me who you are I'll give you proper credit in the disclaimer. Also, "Já jsem ani trochu domnělý být tu dnes!" is really, _really_ bad Czech for "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" from the movie Clerks. If someone is more fluent in Czech than I (since all I did was use an online Czech dictionary for translation) then please let me know, and I'll correct it and give you credit. Also, I'm pretty sure the hacks on the Great Dome at MIT started after John would have been there, but this is my reality, I can do what I want with it. ;)  


 

Acknowledgements: Thanks to my superbeta, [](http://triple7lies.livejournal.com/profile)[**triple7lies**](http://triple7lies.livejournal.com/), for using her powers for good and not evil. A true hero cannot stand aside and watch as innocent bystanders and the English language get slaughtered. ;) And also thanks for just generally putting up with me and letting me whine. She's awesome, and any non-awesomeness is therefore my own.

 

  


oOo

 

John Sheppard didn't like surprises.

 

He could trace the source of his dislike back to his twelfth birthday. His parents had planned a surprise party, but due to the fact that his family moved to a new military base every year or so, he didn't exactly have a large crowd of friends to invite. His parents had populated the party with kids they figured he should know, classmates and kids from the base who were relatively his own age. They all knew each other already, of course, so after their initial half-assed "Surprise!" they had huddled in groups, casting him angry glares as if he was personally responsible for their parents forcing them to come to the party of some kid they didn't even know or like. He'd slipped out just before the cake and ice cream, and his parents found him two hours later, skateboarding alone in the park down the street. He'd taught himself how to do an ollie that day.

 

It only got better as he got older. There was the time his roommate at MIT had come home with fifty boxes of aluminum foil, shoved them all into John's closet, and he'd been simultaneously refused an explanation and sworn to secrecy. Two days later, John came home from some party in a drunken stupor and passed out on the couch. He was roughly awakened later in the night, and hauled out of his room against his will by four men in black masks. His captors shoved a matching black mask on him and nearly dragged him all over campus. He followed, still too drunk to put up much of a fight. He still couldn't remember much about that night, but he can remember waking up the next morning to find that the Great Dome was inexplicably covered in shiny silver metal, and all the aluminum foil had mysteriously vanished from his room.  

 

There was the time his buddies had dared him to hit on some chick down at Mardi Gras, only to find out later that she wasn't actually a chick. Well, in all fairness, that surprise wasn't all that bad. They'd stayed up drinking late into the night, and John couldn't remember having such open and honest conversation with somebody he'd just met…    


 

But that was beside the point, because as a general rule, John Sheppard did not like surprises. He remembered all this with startling clarity in the 2.4 seconds between opening his door to Rodney McKay and finding McKay's fist landing painfully in his face. Surprise!

 

John toppled backwards from the force of the punch, landing hard on his ass and bringing one hand up to cradle his stinging jaw. From somewhere above him in his darkened quarters, he heard Rodney mutter, "Man,what a relief! I've been waiting to do that since your little kamikaze run on the hive ship!"

 

"Excuse me?" John squawked, then grunted when he realized his jaw hurt like a motherfucker. Opening his mouth wide a few times to work out the kinks, he felt safe in continuing his outburst. "What the hell was that for, McKay?"

 

"What was that _for_?" Rodney asked, incredulous. John felt a hand suddenly fist itself into his t-shirt, and then he was actually _hauled to his feet_. By _McKay_. He had barely enough time to recover from the shock before he had a face full of angry McKay shouting, "Did the replicators damage your brain while they were in there, or have you actually forgotten that your personal fantasy was the fulfillment of a death wish?" Rodney gave John's stunned, limp body another shake as his nostrils flared. "It's official! You are a suicidal _idiot_!"

 

\-------

 

Rodney watched in horror as Oberoth shoved his hand into Colonel Sheppard's forehead as he screamed in pain. He had less than a nanosecond of comprehension before Thug Number 2 did the same to him. Rodney's screams mingled with John's, then both their voices were lost to the encroaching blackness.

 

\-------

 

Rodney tried to focus on the naquada generator-turned-nuclear warhead that he was trying to activate, but something kept distracting him. He had the distinct feeling that something wasn't right, like his perception of reality was canted slightly to the left. He had the oddest flashback to that one time Radek had forced him to watch "Clerks," (in badly dubbed Czech, of course), and for some reason he kept wanting to shout, "Já jsem ani trochu domnělý být tu dnes!"  


 

Kolya's cool voice in his ear brought his mind sharply back to his task. "Dr. McKay, I've grown impatient with your stalling. You have thirty seconds to activate the device before Colonel Sheppard dies."

 

A fresh layer of sweat broke out over Rodney's brow. "_Thirty seconds?_" he screamed back into his radio. "That's not nearly enough time! I'll never be able to—"

 

"Twenty-five," replied the unnervingly calm voice.

 

Rodney instantly clamped his mouth shut, turning back to the delicate wires in the device. They seemed to keep twisting just out of reach from his thick fingers, as if they were moving of their own accord. Another wire slipped from his grasp and he lost it in the tangle, cursing vehemently under his breath. He tried to find it again, to trace it from its source in the mess of multicolored lines, but each wire seemed to bend in an infinite moebius, with no beginning or end. He wiped a drop of sweat from his eyes and peered closer, trying to blink away the image of the wires writhing like tiny, multicolored snakes.

 

"Fifteen," Kolya said, sounding almost gleeful.

 

Rodney bit the inside of his cheek to halt the snide remark threatening to burst from his throat. He didn't have enough time, but that was the point. Kolya was just looking for an excuse to kill Sheppard. Rodney had John's life in his hands, and if he couldn't pull a miracle out of his ass in the next 10 seconds or so, John's life would slip from his fingers just like one of these damned wires. Still, he felt like this was all off, all wrong. He knew Sheppard was in danger, but he couldn't shake the feeling that even if Kolya killed him, it wouldn't be over. Even if he was able to rewire the generator in the next few seconds and save him, it still wouldn't be over. There was something else, like a tickling thought at the back of his mind, but he couldn't seem to pinpoint it…

 

"Five," Kolya began the final countdown.

 

Furiously, Rodney searched for the wire he had lost earlier. The mass of them still seemed to be writhing away from his grasp, but it looked different now. Like the wires themselves were made of small moving parts.

 

"Four."

 

Each wire was covered in tiny moving dots with legs, like miniscule ants on parade.

 

"Three."

 

Rodney concentrated solely on the tiny specks, the goal of activating the device forgotten. He knew it didn't matter anymore.

 

"Two."

 

Their movements seemed coordinated, synchronized… robotic. Suddenly his mind became as focused as a laser beam. With a single thought, he froze the specks in place.

 

"One."

 

Rodney didn't hear the gunshot, because inside his head, he was screaming his own revelation- Replicators.

 

\-----

 

  
In a flash of white light, Rodney found himself in the control room of Atlantis. After a moment of confusion at his surroundings, he spotted   
Elizabeth  
and called out to her. "  
Elizabeth  
, thank god! There's something wrong, we're trapped in some sort of virtual reality. The Asurans, they're not Ancients, they're…" he trailed off, noting that   
Elizabeth  
hadn't even glanced up from her position at Radek's shoulder. "  
Elizabeth  
?" he tried again, this time waving his hand in front of her face with no effect.  


 

"They can't hear or see you." Rodney whirled at the unfamiliar voice, recognizing the man's face instantly. He had a brief flash of the man reaching towards his head, then intense pain, then…nothing. He blinked back, realizing he was facing the Replicator that was currently plugged into his brain.

 

"What's going on?" he asked, unconsciously widening his stance between the Replicator and Elizabeth.

 

"This is not your scenario," the Replicator explained in that same placid tone of voice. "Your scenario was flawed, so we have placed you in another."

 

"Flawed?" Rodney asked, mentally berating himself for not coming up with questions a little more befitting of his intellect.

 

"Yes," the Replicator nodded, continuing in a voice that one might use while talking to a small child. It set Rodney's teeth on edge. "In order to gain full access to your knowledge and memories, we require a scenario in which your mind is entirely focused on the events as they occur in your consciousness. Your mind, however, is an anomaly. You relinquished the focus of your task, and your subconscious was able to fight our efforts to access your knowledge. It was most unusual." The Replicator peered at him, curious and perplexed, like he was examining an unfamiliar organism under a microscope.

 

  
Rodney's surge of pride and righteous anger was interrupted when Radek shouted, "Dr. Weir! I'm picking something up on the scanners!" After glancing briefly over his shoulder to see   
Elizabeth  
's alarmed face, he turned back to the Replicator.  


 

"We decided that the best way to rectify this problem was to place you in a scenario we felt would require more of your focus, so we have placed you in the scenario of your team mate."

 

  
He heard   
Elizabeth  
call for Sheppard and himself over the radio, glimpsing her tense expression once more before he spat, "Look, if you think sticking me in   
Elizabeth  
's head as nothing more than a bystander is going to make me _less_ focused on fighting you, then you've obviously underestimated who you're dealing with!" To prove his point, he concentrated on making his mind blank, attempting to block access to his memories.  


 

The Replicator hinted at a smile for the first time since Rodney had laid eyes on him, and the sight made his blood run cold. "Forgive me, Dr. McKay, if I've misled you. You are not in Dr. Weir's mind."

 

"Well then whose mind am I—"

 

"What's going on?" Sheppard called as he entered the control room. Rodney watched him head straight for the scanner screen, his own virtual self following close behind. With a sick tightening in his chest, Rodney realized exactly whose head he was in, and why.

 

\-----------

 

Now that he knew what was happening to him, he could actually feel them probing his mind, exposing every moment of brilliance along with all the flaws he tried so hard to keep hidden. It made his skin crawl. He fought to block them at every pass, setting up the equivalent of mental firewalls and encryption codes in his brain. He knew he was only slowing them down, not keeping them out. He could feel them peeling away the layers of his consciousness, finding the parts of his life he had fought so hard to repress and then thrusting them into the sunlight for all to see. He felt like he was being assaulted in the most intimate and personal way possible, and it was enough to make him fight back even harder, but he knew it wasn't enough.

 

Parts of Sheppard's virtual scenario kept finding their way past his defenses, breaking his focus. He knew the Wraith were attacking the city, and despite their best efforts, they were losing. It was Sheppard's worst nightmare.

 

Rodney wanted to make it stop, to scream at him that it wasn't real. He wanted to shake him or hit him, anything to snap him out of it. He'd even tried to get a sucker punch to the Replicator, but when his hand just passed through like he was so much ether, he knew it was no use. Instead, he focused on fighting his own battles while Sheppard fought his.

 

  
Rodney heard Elizabeth's words through the fog of his concentration. "Attention. This is Weir. All personnel to the Gateroom for immediate evacuation." For a moment, Rodney relaxed, thinking it would all be over soon, with John safe and sound back on Earth. But Elizabeth's next words yanked his focus back to Sheppard so violently he felt like he'd nearly been ripped in two. "John, we need to set the self-destruct."

 

There was another explosion, then he heard his virtual self say, "We just lost automated systems. We'll lose the Gate any second now."

 

  
"Go. I'll detonate it manually." Rodney could only look on in horror as Sheppard moved to Zelenka's side, preparing to enter his security code. He vaguely heard his other self and Elizabeth arguing in the background, but all his attention was now focused on Sheppard.

 

"You _cannot_ be serious!" he shouted furiously at John, who, typically, ignored him. "This is not a good plan! In _no way_ is this a good plan!"

 

"OK, enter your number," Zelenka informed him. "When you are ready, hit this button. At that point, you'll only have a few seconds left."

 

Sheppard nodded, and the simple action aggravated Rodney beyond words. "Go."

 

"No, no, no, no!" Rodney watched his other self run frantically over to Sheppard. "I can't let you do  
this – not without tossing a coin or something! It doesn't seem right!"

 

Rodney stared at himself, dumbfounded. "Toss a coin?" he shouted incredulously, then turned to Sheppard. "My noble, heroic bid for martyrdom is to _toss a coin?_"

 

"I appreciate the offer, Rodney. Now, get out of here." The other Rodney made no move to leave John's side, so after a moment, he added a bit more harshly than necessary, "Go! All of you!"

 

Rodney watched himself hesitate a moment longer, then turned his anxious blue gaze on Sheppard. The man looked like he'd just swallowed broken glass. For some reason, that only made Rodney angrier.

 

"Dammit, Sheppard!" he shouted, getting up in John's face. Sheppard just looked right through him with that same painful, defeated expression. "It doesn't have to be like this! You _know_ it doesn't!" Clenching his jaw, he fought to retain some semblance of control. Even now he could feel the Replicator sifting through his mind like it was his own personal sandbox, but Rodney shoved the invasive feeling aside and focused solely on John. He knew that this wasn't real, but there was still a small part of him, undoubtedly fueled by his inner geek's sci-fi movie obsession, that couldn't help thinking over and over, 'You die in the Matrix, and you die in the real world.'

 

Rodney tried again, this time focusing every ounce of his mind on Sheppard. Surely, if he was inside John's head, he could form some kind of connection. "Shep—John, listen to me,"he said quietly, looking directly into Sheppard's unfocused eyes. "Once you activate the self-destruct, you'll have maybe five seconds to make it to the Gate. I know, that's not much time, but—"

 

Rodney was cut off when Sheppard rushed forward, passing right through him. Sheppard made it to the balcony overlooking the Gateroom, and Rodney could swear he held his breath until the other Rodney passed through the event horizon, only casting a small backward glance in Sheppard's direction. Swallowing thickly, he looked down at Elizabeth and called, "We're losing power! Get through the Gate!" She hesitated only a moment more, and then she was gone.

 

Sheppard ran back to the controls, and Rodney was instantly at his side, watching helplessly as he entered his security code. "Okay, I get it," he said, both placating and panicked. "I really do. You have a hero complex, I know that. It's stupid, but just…It doesn't matter. If you die, none of it matters. I…I can't do this without you. Do you understand?"

 

Sheppard finished entering his code, then straightened up, his hand hovering briefly over the 'Enter' key. Rodney swallowed harshly past the lump in his throat. "Dammit, John, you'd better run your _ass_ off."

 

John pressed the button, and five seconds appeared on the screen. He didn't move.

 

Rodney felt like the world had stopped spinning on its axis. Everything was frozen, motionless. He doubted his heart was even beating. John wasn't moving. But that damned clock was still ticking.

 

He was watching John die. It was worse than anything he'd ever imagined. Worse than watching Kolya beat him to death. Worse than watching a Wraith feed on him, draining him to a withered husk. It was the most agonizing torture Rodney had ever endured, because John was doing _nothing_.

 

Rodney watched the screen count down through one, then turned to John with the coldest, ugliest, most infuriated glare he'd ever worn. "You son of a b—"

 

Then there was white, then pain, then nothing.

 

\--------

 

Rodney felt the Replicator disconnect from his mind. He felt like his brain was boiling in his skull as the Replicator slowly removed his hand from his head, but he never made a sound. Sheppard had been released just after Rodney, and he had to shut his ears against John's scream. It sounded too much like himself screaming in his head. 

 

\--------

"What'd they do to you?"

 

  
_They invaded my mind, then made me watch you die._ "Uh, torture… in ways too hideous and, um ... intimate to recount."

 

oOo

 

John peered at Rodney's angry, hurt expression, only inches from his own. "What do you mean, 'suicidal?'" he asked with an air of mock-defensiveness.

 

"I notice you're not disputing the 'idiot' part of the statement," Rodney replied snidely.

 

Wrenching the fist from his shirt, John asked, "McKay, what the hell is your problem?"

 

"You!" he spat back. "You and your fucking hero complex are my problem! I've always known you have a death wish, but I never expected you to just curl up and die the first chance you got!"

 

John felt a knot form in his stomach. "You were there?"

 

"The Replicators thought it might be more effective to have me watch your little self-destructive scenario play out, instead of one of my own. And don't even bother trying to talk your way out of this one. I saw what happened. You didn't do anything to save yourself."

 

"What could I have done, Rodney?" he shouted in a rush of irrational anger.

 

"I don't know, _something_!" Rodney yelled back. They were now fully engaged in a shouting match. "You could have run to the Gate! You could have—"

 

"I had five seconds! That's not enough time to—"

 

"That's not the point!"

 

"Well then what is the point? Because I'd love to hear—"

 

"_You didn't even try!_" Rodney's outburst seemed to suck all the fight out of both men. The room became eerily silent, and after a few tension filled moments, Rodney repeated in a quiet, shaky voice, "You didn't even try."

 

They both stared at each other across the small space of John's darkened quarters, the silence filling up with things John either couldn't or wouldn't define. With a sigh, he collapsed onto the edge of his bed in defeat. He suddenly felt exhausted, and rested his face in his hands. He didn't look up when he felt the bed dip at his side.

 

"Sheppard, I'm…I'm sorry. We just got to the point where I felt…well, like we were almost like we were, before…and then I have to go and almost screw it up by—"

 

"Punching me in the face?" Sheppard supplied helpfully.

 

"Um…yeah." A long moment passed with Rodney fidgeting quietly before he added. "You still deserved it."

 

"Excuse me? I—" John turned toward Rodney, ready to mount another defense, but stopped at the look on Rodney's face. Leaning his elbows on his knees, he blew out a breath then said, "Yeah, maybe."

 

Rodney nodded. "Then we're agreed. You're still an asshole."

 

"Hey!" John gave Rodney a half-hearted swat to the arm, making him smile briefly. John tried to glare back, but broke into a matching grin instead. "Look, McKay, we're…we're okay now, right?"

 

Rodney considered it a moment, then replied sagely, "Provided I don't have to come after you for any more unnecessary heroic deaths, then yes. I may not believe in an afterlife, but that's not going to stop me from following you there so I can kick your ass."

 

John snorted and rolled his eyes, then fixed his 'yeah, right' look on Rodney before he realized what he had just admitted. In his own very McKay-esque way, Rodney had just said he'd die for John. Given the way Rodney had offered to take his place in his Replicator-induced vision, he supposed a part of him had already known that. John knew that he was Rodney's best friend, and he'd always felt special and secure in that knowledge. He had suspected that Rodney's feelings ran deeper, but he never dared to hope. Although if the lingering ache in his jaw was any indication, there was more to his relationship with Rodney than he'd ever considered. And wasn't _that_ a surprise?

 

John stared at Rodney for a long time, lost in his own revelation, watching Rodney's expression become increasingly perplexed. When his brows furrowed in confusion and he asked, "What?" with just a hint of frustration, John snapped out of his trance. Gently, he took Rodney's face in his hands and brought their lips together. He mouthed lightly at Rodney's bottom lip, waiting for him to either pull away or return the kiss. Soon, he felt Rodney take his own upper lip into his mouth, licking it softly with his tongue, and he felt like someone had jump-started his heart. An embarrassingly soft sigh escaped his throat, and Rodney let one hand rest on his hip, the other traveling lightly up his side, over his shoulder, finally reaching out to cup the side of his face.

 

"Ah!" John broke the kiss as soon as Rodney's hand made contact with his still tender jaw. Wincing slightly, he said, "I'm gonna have one hell of a bruise there tomorrow."

 

Rodney let his hand rest on John's shoulder with a muttered, "Sorry."

 

John leaned his forehead against Rodney's, closing his eyes and just enjoying the simple contact. "'S'okay," he mumbled back. After a moment's thought, he said, "I didn't…I didn't think you felt…"

 

When John didn't finish the statement, Rodney replied anyway. "Trust me, I feel." he muttered, then added, "I have for a while now."

 

John smiled at that, then leaned back to look Rodney in the face. "This doesn't mean I'll let you toss a coin."

 

Rodney let out a frustrated sigh. "John—"

 

"It's my job, Rodney."

 

What Sheppard didn't know was that Rodney had hacked into the system and erased all of John's access codes for the self-destruct controls as soon as they got back from Asura. If it came down to it, a coin toss wouldn't be necessary. Rodney wouldn't take that chance. If John ever tried to heroically sacrifice himself again, he was certainly in for a surprise.

 

"Not if I say it isn't," he replied, then pressed another tender kiss to John's lips.

 

oOo

 

Additional A/N in case you scrolled down to check for translations: "Já jsem ani trochu domnělý být tu dnes!" is really, _really_ bad Czech for "I'm not even supposed to be here today!" from the movie Clerks. ;)

  


 


End file.
